A conservative site once featured me in a post titled “Smug White Liberals.” This is my smug blog.

JOBS, JOBS, JOBS!

Trump: If you put it in all-caps, IT MUST BE TRUE.

Upon closer inspection of Trump’s Twitter feed (a duty that should be highlighted on Mike Rowe’s Dirty Jobs), I’ve noticed a distinct motif.

When possible, write “JOBS” in all-caps. Ideally, three times in a row.

Seriously. Tweet the hell out of it.

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Kushner Speaks!

Unfortunately, only dogs were able to pick up what he was saying. But it sounded something like:

“I just totally threw Donald Trump, Jr. under the bus in there. But it’s true that I never read his e-mails, mostly because I’m sick of all the giraffe porn he forwards. Also, take note that I’m making ‘I did not collude’ the new ‘I did not have sexual relations.’ Well, time for me to go massage Ivanka’s feet while she makes up quotes from Gandhi that she can Tweet out to her minions. Dasvedanya! Oh, crap, scratch that…”

Trump Kicks Off Maniacal Tweet Monday #MTM

“Google, give me an insult I haven’t used yet.”

Trump went on another back-to-back Twitter rampage this morning, which can only mean one thing: THE WALLS ARE CLOSING IN. Well, either that, or he needed something to do to pretend to look busy and important while waiting for his latte at Starbucks.  Here’s a taste of the mania:

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Anthony Scaramucci Purges Twitter Feed and Soul Out of Loyalty to Total A-Hole

New White House Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci defended himself to Jake Tapper on CNN this morning, after getting heat for flip-flopping on Trump and deleting pro-Hillary and pro-gun control and pro-immigration and pro-climate change action Tweets.

That message, of course, is that his head will remain firmly planted in Trump’s ass for the foreseeable future. Received loud and clear, Scaramucci!

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Oh, Spicey, We Hardly Knew Ye

Although everyone’s talked about this day since the day he was hired, it’s still a hard pill to swallow…

Yes, the country’s favorite inarticulate, grumpy White House Press Secretary, Sean Spicer, has resigned. 🙁 The New York Times reports that he did so after “denouncing chaos in the West Wing and telling President Trump” — who wanted him to stay on — that “he vehemently disagreed with the appointment of the New York financier Anthony Scaramucci as communications director.”

Then, mustering all of his remaining dignity, he grabbed his Easter Bunny costume from his locker and exited the White House for the last time.

Say what you will about Sean Spicer, but I think we can all agree that we’re REALLY gonna miss… Melissa McCarthy’s impression of him.

Trump Continues to Seduce Putin by Ending CIA Program to Arm Anti-Assad Rebels in Syria

I think Trump and Putin can officially change their Facebook statuses to “In a relationship.”

“My, what big arms you have…”

It’s the stuff that romantic comedies are made of. Boy becomes infatuated with brutal leader of hostile foreign government. Boy has dimwitted son meet with brutal leader’s people to chat about the weather and collusion. Boy encourages brutal leader to hack opponent and undermine our democracy. Boy meets brutal leader and feels up his triceps. Boy meets with brutal leader again in secret. Boy makes brutal leader’s wishes come true by ending the CIA’s covert program to arm and train moderate Syrian rebels battling the government of Bashar al-Assad, a move long sought by Russia and called a “win” for Putin by current officials.

Awwww.

Of course, this move, which seemingly undermines American security, raises even more questions about what was discussed in the second Trump-Putin private meeting at the G20. Perhaps Putin was showing Trump this?

RELATED: A Beautiful LOVE ACTUALLY Remake Starring Trump and Putin

Delta Dares to Move Ann Coulter from Aisle to Window Seat, All Hell Breaks Loose

Oh no, you di-in’t, Delta.

In what was CLEARLY a cold and calculated attack on one of our country’s dearest and most kind-hearted pundits, Delta Airlines had the audacity to move Ann Coulter from an aisle seat to a — wait for it… wait for it… — WINDOW SEAT.

HORRIBLE. How can any passenger be expected to live this way, gazing upon the clouds in the very same row that she’d wanted? Thankfully, Ms. Coulter handled the injustice with her usual grace and sensitivity.

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BREAKING: Donald Trump, Jr. Releases Selfie Taken at Russia Meeting

How brave! How honest! Donald Trump, Jr. writes:

“To everyone, in order to be totally transparent, I am releasing the selfie taken at the June 9 meeting. I first wanted to just deny everything and turn it on the fake news media because we Trumps are entitled sons-of-bitches who don’t know how to take responsibility for anything, but when that didn’t work out, I thought I’d release evidence of our collusion with Russia, piece by piece, upon being told the fake media was about to publish it. COMPLETE TRANSPARENCY.”

Eric Trump: “Democrats Aren’t Even People”

Eric Trump, who looks like the kind of guy who’d slip a date rape drug in Kelly Taylor’s punch on 90210, today cried to FOX News that Democrats criticizing his dad are, like, “not even people,” adding that “morality is just gone.”

Because if anybody is the judge of morality, it’s the guy who kills exotic animals for sport and steals money from children with cancer.

Eric Trump: Man o’ Morals

Well, Eric Trump, we Democrats have feelings, too, you know! Feelings that are best expressed through Shakespeare’s Merchant of Trump Tower.

I am a Dem.
Hath not a Dem eyes (with which we see pictures of you killing animals)? Hath not a Dem hands (with which we Tweet about you stealing from kids with cancer), organs (that TrumpCare won’t protect), dimensions, senses, affections, passions; fed with the same food (that your dad is taking away from poor kids), hurt with the same weapons (that your dad lied about selling to the Saudis), subject to the same diseases (that TrumpCare won’t cover), heal’d by the same means (that TrumpCare won’t cover), warm’d and cool’d by the same winter and summer (that’s going to keep getting warm’r because your dad refuses to acknowledge global warming), as an alt-right is?